“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “