Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
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[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Tastes like chicken.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days