Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.