Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server