Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM