Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.