Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

every college guy’s fridge

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Me when I’m ovulating

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

Skills