Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.