Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.