Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
#catsoftwitter
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Going into Monday like
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.