Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You Might Also Like
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me