saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.