Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

I’m not proud