Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors