Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Taking phone security to the next level.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I am having an out of money experience.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.