Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You Might Also Like
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist