Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.