Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.