Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.