Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.