Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I might carry a baby with one hand.
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I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself