Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.