Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.