Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Morning all.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Bless you
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
