Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’ve been drinking.
![]()
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
![]()
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
![]()
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France