Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.