Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
(True)
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid