any last words?
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Webb. James Webb.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.