any last words?
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Good morning.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato