Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
me, too, girl. me, too.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.