Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE