Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again