Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
🤝
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
