Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Tapped in
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
linkedin the good parts
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.