Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
