any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
the clam before the storm
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.