Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Beware of fowl play.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no