Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

live long and prosper!

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Wednesday

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself