[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Guys, I found it.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.