Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

is nasa ok

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Good advice.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.