Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]