Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.