Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”