Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?