Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad