Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
dude it’s called proctologist
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.