“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
This squirrel eats better than I do
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.