Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
why neck hurt
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
