Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
work smarter, not harder
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.