Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Stop making fast and furious movies.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)