Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow