Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You Might Also Like
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.