Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo