Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!