Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

mumsnet is amazing

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

linkedin the good parts