Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Somebody call the cops.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.