Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

favorite tropes as memes

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre