Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
tag yourself
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Meeeee too!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290