Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
That eye roll….
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
