Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Maths meets science
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.