Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012