Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

so weird how every mom was born today

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.