Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Seems legit

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.