Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
You Might Also Like
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.