Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”