Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.