Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Is this anything

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Great acting.. 😂

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…