Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Thinking about a snail with a limp

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

😂

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow