Any refunds available?…
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *