Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”