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Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch