Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.