Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Grandmother clock.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward